Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
