Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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