Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
