I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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