i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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