You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
