u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
