i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
