Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
