i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
