I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You ruined the universe
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
