My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
