I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
