You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
