You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
