Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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