I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
