eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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