Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
