david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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