I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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