Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
