Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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