I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
