Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
