Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
