So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
