I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
