My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
