I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
