cat food counts as protein by the way
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
