Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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