Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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