Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
