There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
