I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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