Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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