anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
