If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
