In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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