I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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