I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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