Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
