I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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