3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
