R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
