Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We just shotgunned beers for America
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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