Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
