i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
