We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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