There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
