Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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