So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
