You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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