for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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