Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
