After last night, I could never be a politician.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
