Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
