Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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