And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
