i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
