I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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