seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
