There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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